Posted By Yousef’s Mom
For all of the Kuwaiti and maybe Arab Girls out there, Mom got something to say about the way the Kuwaiti 3aza has changed and how the 3 days that follows, where women gather in the grieving family’s house to offer condolences, is no longer about offering support and consolation!
Mom wrote this next part:
“It was no easy duty to go and condole a woman on her loss, It wasn’t easy for other relatives to see a member of their family suffer and go through those horrible days. It was a simple gathering where everything revolved around the family and their grief. it was simple yet very heavy, intense and somber experience. Therefor not everybody was allowed to go, only the eldest of the family would go and represent the rest and do the necessary (wajib). The place where the guest would be seated was never big or specially set up for the sad occasion. It was a small hall where the guests would stay QUIET for awhile, Read some Quran, Offer their support and condolences and then leave to make room for other guests. The atmosphere used to be filled with silence, Sadness and above all Respect for the grieving women and her family.
Fast-Forward to present day’s 3azas. Things have changed a lot since people had feelings and consideration. Nowadays Everybody goes to 3azas (not for the right reasons). Even little girls are brought to the 3azas. With their hair on their shoulders, Their little plated jewelry and their dazed eyes. The grownups haven’t spared us either, they attend wearing their topnotch abayas, filled with swarovski crystals and what not. Abayas suitable for weddings rather than 3azas!
Some even went as far as wearing makeup. The new type of makeup, the “Sad occasions” makeups. And we find the supposedly grieving family now setting the place up so that it can seat as many people as possible, going out of their way (and sadness) to make the people comfortable and make sure they “enjoy” their say. We find them renting chairs and filling up the place with as many chairs as possible, turning the place into a little cinema, a little show, a shameless masquerade.
The once feared and respected occasion has become just another place for gatherings. For relatives to see each others and pass their hellos. I often hear the salams and the sowalif (chitchats) now. oh and the salams are not passed with soft-voices either! And the nerve on some of the women… I personally heard a woman say to her friend one time “I’m so happy I ran into you on this wonderful occasion!” –> “monasaba sa3eeda o imbaareka iny shiftkom!”
fa hal hatha min mazaya taqadomna?
am min masawe2 ta2akhurna?”
I tried my best to capture Mom’s words and this is the best i could do. she was much more eloquent though. 😛
You’re mother is so right. It is a shame that people behave in such manners in a time where one is mourning the loss of their loved one. Glad to know that there are people who are appalled with what is going around. Hopefully they will see that a 3aza is an occasion for mourning not celebrating.
would love to hear more on your mom’s thoughts 🙂
yeah sadly it turned into a gossip infested inviroment.(to see and b seen)
Sa7 ilsanich Um Tariq. It’s really shameful what’s happening now at 3azas. I recall that i didn’t start going to 3azas or sit at my own family’s 3azas until i reached my 20s but now girls as young as 13 do. I also agree that “sad makeup” is disrespecful to the grieving family. Thanks
i’m with ur mom on this one..the makeup, the loud ringtones, the chitchat, no respect to the deceased family..i had to shush a few girls at a 3aza once cause they were so loud i couldn’t concenrate on my qura’an..ppl go to a 3aza to parade and no longer to console
I agree with your mom, I was at a family 3aza the other day and this girl came in wearing really inappropriate heels for the 3aza, and as she was walking she was “Chak chak chaking” away with them like she was in a fashionshow.
Finally someone says something!!!!
I thought i was the only one who found today’s “Women” 3aza disrespectful and hard on the grieved family. 9a7 elsanha elwalda, thank her for her very true first post and inshalla it won’t be the last.
When my mother passed away, I was 18 and was devastated, and i miss and mourn her to this day. However, mourning is an extremely private experience and having strangers around greatly diminishes from it. In that regard your mother is 100% correct in that people have a distinct lack of respect these days, with the clothes, makeup and inappropriate behavior.
My biggest problem is the women’s 3aza in general, which is usually a drama show with people trying to upstage each other with there wails and cries and gestures. It is extremely hard to get over the loss of a loved one without any of these things, but when you add in the extra “drama” it gets even worse. My sisters had a terrible time, because every time they calmed down a new stranger riles their emotions with stupid, loud cries, or disrespectful actions. You feel like it will always be this bad, that the world is ending and that it will never get better.
The men’s 3aza was extremely therapeutic to me, on the other hand, because older people around me (my dad, uncles and other relatives) have been through this before and they were like crutches for me to lean on, I got strength from them, and support and wise words. Visitors are usually quick, discreet, and respectful, and towards the 2nd and 3rd day, the atmosphere is noticeably less somber, giving you a reprieve from the gloom and sadness of the event. You learn that the loss is terrible, and will always be with you, but you also learn that it won’t always be this hard, that others have been through this and survived, and that to me is the biggest difference between the 3aza for men and women.
I couldn’t agree more with you 5alti. (Yousef’s mom)
The problem is some girls think that the older women will see them looking pretty and perhaps pick them as wives for their sons. Bass if an older woman sees a young lady coming to a 3aza with “sad” make up and puffed up hair and a shaba99a with crystals I think she is more likely to see the girl as the WRONG kind of wife for her son.
When my cousin died some girls came to y3azooni after the official 3aza and I looked sad and one of the girls actually asked me what was wrong! Al7een intai moo chab3a 3abatich oo yayatni t3azeeni? Did you think I was going to be telling jokes? I think some people are incapable of really putting themselves in someone else’s shoes. Too little compassion in their personalities.
Well said. Kudos to your mother for brining this issue to the public.
Once, my mom told me that two women in a funeral were arranging to meet later that day so her boy would meet the other woman’s girl for marriage. It seems funerals become the hip-happening event to search for future brides.
when my cousin passed, her mom told everyone that if they were to come to the funeral not to wear black.. in the gathering there was very little crying and absolutely no wailing and stuff like that.. all they did was remember her and the good times they all spent with her and think of happy thoughts.. i wish i was there to go.. id rather have that kind of funeral when i pass.
and it was a mixed one too and everyone had a chance to read the Quran.
What does “sad” make-up look like?
ee walla! totally agree.. did ur mom mention that now they print the name of the person on little zamzam water bottles? the make up the hair the everything its very annoying..
am really happy to c all the responses on this issue it means el denya eb kheer ! el 7mdelah !! some people are still searching for simplicity thanx god !
i really like ur mom without knowing her bs kfaya thats the way she thinks !
btw 3za make up means full make up with nude colors 😛
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I can not agree with you in 100% regarding some thoughts, but you got good point of view
the arabic culture
Thanks for the nice read, keep up the interesting posts..